What will today's post bring? One never knows. Some days I have a plan, other days I don't. It's just how I live my life. A state of structured flexibility, you could say.
I flip back and forth between focus and fun. I bury my nose in a project, then I step away and do something creative. I edit photos for hours, then I slap on roller blades and spend time cruising around my neighborhood. I whip up a batch of gluten-free granola bars, then I call my insurance company and end up on the phone for 45 minutes figuring out recent errors and how we can fix them. I am a wandering homebody, a lover of the outdoors and time spent on the couch with a good book.
I start my day jolting my brain awake with coffee and new ideas. I sit and write them out. I finish my day reading good books and laughing at funny television shows. I go to bed looking forward to my new morning routine of coffee and and idea writing in the cool air on my back deck. I go to bed wanting sleep but already excited to start the next day. This seems like a whole new outlook for me. I don't remember feeling this alive... ever.
I have a possible explanation, and it lies somewhere between loving what I do and coming off medication I have been on for over 25 years. Is it possible that the last 3 weeks of reducing my epilepsy medicine has had this much of an impact on me? I think it's very possible, I just never imagined this was going to happen. All I knew was that I was so ready to come off this medicine, but I was completely unable to get a sense of what it would do to me or how I would feel. I honestly was happy with the thought of no longer being dependent on a medicine, no longer paying for it, no longer remembering to take it and panicking when I forgot.
Instead I'm 3 weeks into this process and I feel great! Sure, I'm still the photographer who can't drive herself anywhere, but I'm also more focused and alert than I think I have ever been. My energy levels are cranked up a few notches. It's very exciting and bizarre at the same time.
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And here I am, a few days later on day 3 of feeling like a human bobble head. Weeks 1-3 were bordering on awesome, Week 4 has had me very housebound and unable to get much done. I couldn't take charge right now if I had to. So, I won't. I will hope to get through the day without upsetting the balance too much, much like I did all weekend.
Saturday I was so out of whack that I spent most of the day on the couch in and out of sleep. Sunday I made attempts to get things done. I packed up my basement studio (our awesome home has been sold and we are moving), with breaks taken on the couch. Today I sit at the computer unable to focus long enough to do much at all. It's okay that I can't drive right now because I honestly have no desire to even be in a car. Every few minutes there is a different symptom somewhere: loss of balance, tingly hands, overheating, loss of focus, fatigue, chills, head full of cotton. It just kind of keeps looping itself like bad elevator music. The thought of socializing is more than I care to think about for now. I am essentially a drug addict in the middle of a detox.
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Today (October 1) I step out of my foggy mind only to stand at my window and watch fog weave through the trees in my yard. I return again to watch the sky open up and pour down on the same trees. I believe I have made it through the worst part of this medicine removal. I feel better, and yet my life feels like it's in a holding pattern of some sort. I am waiting for the energy of a few weeks ago to return.
Having my life kind of on hold, and yet moving forward at the same time, is a tricky thing to sort out. I am keeping my work load light in the months when I normally do the most, because I just can't stand the thought of possibly coming up short for my clients. The not knowing what to expect, not being able to drive to get simple errands done, the working around other people's schedules, all require a certain amount of patience and flexibility. So, I'm using as much patience to ease through this time and come out the other side ready to move forward in a stronger way. I will be so glad later when I look back at this time, but now I worry about all the opportunities I may be missing.
I share this non-photo part of my life because it is an important piece to who I am. Doing so has caused others to share stories as well that perhaps I never would have heard otherwise. Conversations started and ideas shared that may have helped where answers weren't being given. It has been a comfort but also discouraging to learn how many of us are coasting through medical situations, with many questions going unanswered and getting tips from each other rather than our doctors.
I am mere days away from being done with a 27 year prescription. Monday I will take my final pill, probably cry many joyful tears, then move on. Literally. My house and office are being packed with plans to move in the next few weeks. I don't know what the final weeks of adjusting to no meds will mean, but I do know the new home and office will mean great things for my business and life in general. I am very excited to see how it all plays out!
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